Updated Title: My accidental bi-polar episode (Extended Version)

"I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see." John Burroughs

Well it is the eve of the last day of 2011 and tomorrow will be the very first day of a brand new year. A whole new year. It always gives people the feeling that they have another chance to make things better or be better or do better. Another chance to make things the way they want them to be. I have to admit that I get a little of the new years bug also but I tend to get this affliction randomly throughout the year as well. I looked back at my new years resolution post from a year ago to check out how I had done this year...Let's just say that it's not about keeping score. :)

I still don't finish all my projects because I am always so scattered and unfocused. At any given time I have at least a half dozen projects going at different phases of completion. Projects I am currently working on: a scarf, my fireplace remodel, a bedroom re-arranging, a yard cleanup, I also have green paint in my closet for my room as well as a curtain rod and curtains that have yet to be hung up, a shed that is half primed, lattice for some vines that I have yet to install...and I could probably name at least 8 more things that I have at least purchased the supplies for if not started already.

I also didn't draw any pictures, sit on my porch much or get up early as much as I should have. There are a lot of things that I didn't do that I thought were important a year ago that, somewhere along the way, I decided weren't as important as watching TV, sitting on my couch and sleeping in. So, in honor of the countless resolutions around the world that are unfulfilled, discarded or forgotten I present to you my ONLY new years resolution...


NOT TO MAKE ANY NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS!


It's genius I know. The chances of success are almost guaranteed. I have learned that resolutions are just a way of people giving themselves a timeline to complete certain tasks. I have also learned that putting things on a deadline like that is not a very good way to go about things. The best way to promote change is to do it right now. Not tomorrow, or after the holidays or next year but right now. The time is never going to be right, there will always be pieces missing. If you wait for everything to be just right before you do something you will never get it done at all. If you want to be healthier or read more or try to not let things get to you so much then January 1st is not the time to do it. Right now, which is currently December 31st, is the time to do it. Waiting does not improve the time you have later; it simply squanders the time you have now.

At my ripe old age of 25 I have become quite wise if I do say so myself. Most people turn this age and have a mid mid-life crisis. Good news is that I had mine a year ahead of schedule starting last summer so that this year was actually pretty good. I figured out that if I'm pissed at the world because my house is a mess that it doesn't magically make my house clean...it only makes me miserable AND my house is a mess, which is decidedly worse. I like to talk about philosophical adult feel good inspirational bad ass stuff lately probably because I have my 20's in the choke hold again and under control. Oh and a messy house is very much both literal and figurative.

It reminds me of a book my mom gave me to read a little over a year ago when my mid mid-life crisis was in full swing. Besides all the god speak, which makes me feel a little uncomfortable, it is a good book and I know she will know exactly what I am talking about. Sometimes your house is so cluttered and dirty and unkempt that the only thing you know how to do is lash out at others as you huddle down rocking back and forth in the corner. Fifteen months ago I'm pretty sure I was living in the basement of my very filthy house. I never actually finished the book but I know that I'm not in that dark place anymore. I am a pretty happy person generally speaking but we all have our breaking points and times when we revert to bad behaviors and cry a lot about just about everything.

You see what happens when I start a post without a purpose....again....when you've had caffeine in the afternoon....again....and you're pretty stoked for no particular reason, just about life in general....

Actually I think all this good-moodness is really because my house is really clean. Literally. My dishes are done, floors clean, clothes washed and put away (mostly :). It may not seem like much, but having a clean environment helps clear out the clutter in your brain too...it's proven, trust me.

Just realized that I wrote a lot about pretty much the same things as yesterday (nothing)...and I have no pictures again. Looks like I will have to go find some beauty out in this winter wonderland tomorrow since I really just like taking pictures of inanimate objects.

Well I found a couple old ones that I like. One even has a human subject. :)

This was at Paula's house in Gridley one day when we went for a garden club meeting. It is strange to see how much this little girl has changed in just a matter of months. Okay, so it was taken in April which was a long time ago, but still.

The first and only bulb that I have ever planted in my yard to this day. I only had one because it was one that I had planted at school. School...it makes me terribly sad still to think about school and not being there for the second semester in a row. The saddest thing is that in all the years that I have gone to school I have never made friends or cared if I couldn't go. I spent one semester at Butte in the Horticulture department and I gained an instant family of people who changed me. I still talk to some of my friends on Facebook but I can't help this feeling of despair and being left behind when I think of them too. The older I get the more complicated things get and the harder it is to just do something because you want to. You have too many responsibilities and too many bills and too little time. I wish more than anything that I could have gone back to school in August or even next month in January. For me this is not the time though and it is very hard for me to accept. I honestly can't even go out to Butte or talk about it or even think about it without feeling that unmistakable clenching in my throat and the feeling that your eyes are burning and want to overflow.

Maybe because my lack of friend making skills that I have mentioned before it was strange to have so many friends and then go back to having only one or two. Maybe because I sometimes feel like I missed my chance to have my dream and it's too late to go back now. It's true, I think that it may be too late. Going back in 8 months won't be the same as what it was 8 months ago. All of my friends are far ahead of me and it will be like starting all over again. Maybe I just figured it all out to late. Made my decisions too late. Starting ANOTHER two year degree at 25 only going part time...it almost seems illogical. What would I even do when I was done? Probably stay at the job I already have. I already feel lost and very much not a part of that world that I absolutely loved earlier this year. I can't really explain what I feel I had and lost because it is very strange. It was special, really really special and it meant a lot to me. I was a part of something special.

Well you can tell that I wrote this last and I turned all this positivity into a pretty big Debbie downer didn't I. It's amazing how a picture or song or words can change your mood so quickly. I spend a lot of time purposely not thinking or talking, I mean completely avoiding, the above mentioned topic for this exact reason. It makes me sad and I don't like feeling like that because it doesn't change anything. It only makes me feel bad. I still feel like the rest of my life is going pretty well and I still feel as good as I did when I started this whole thing but now I need to go remember that.

I'm not even going to proofread or spellcheck but here is a pretty picture of my Jasmine. :)

I almost can't wait to smell my Jasmine again come spring. It is the one time during the year without a doubt that I will sit on my front porch. For the month or so that my entire yard smells of the sweetest perfume I can honestly say that it is worth the wait. Until I get a headache from snorting the intoxicating fragrance like a huffing addict, that part is not so cool.

At Last!

     The classic first notes and and romantic drawl of Etta James' timeless song cannot be mistaken. It is because of this that the song has been overly used and abused by countless wedding ceremonies and of course Hollywood. Nevertheless, I believe that it is still a beautiful song about not just love but also happiness and life. As I sit here listening to this song for the sixth time in a row I realize that this song perfectly expresses my mood this evening. My oldies playlist is a regular around this household as it seems that my soul, or whatever is inside of me, is at least 40 years older than my mere 25 years of age.

     There is nothing like a little Frank, Dean, Ella, Louis, Etta and Tony to make the world sing after a long day at work. Actually I take that back, it has been an insane 6 weeks at work and I feel like I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Okay, it's not just the music, I also had a little caffeine at about 3:00 this afternoon and it seems to have done wonders to my mood and energy level. Enough energy to already have two loads of laundry done and dinner in the oven after being home for only two hours. Not bad if I do say so myself. Yes I am tooting my own horn. :)

     I can only assume that every decade of a person's life represents special challenges. The first ten years is officially the most blissful. Too bad you don't actually realize it when you are in that phase, you only realize it after you grow up and have responsibilities. Can't I just stay at home and play with my dollies all day? Geez.

     The second decade is decidedly the worst. Again, you don't realize this until you reach a later time in life and can look back and say 'Wow, that really WAS crappy wasn't it?'. Maybe it's also the worst because you go from the best phase to one that is only filled with change, uncertainty and a feeling that you are already a grown up but you really aren't, you just think you are. Again, you don't realize that you were a stupid idiot instead of the level headed responsible adult you thought you were until you are looking at your old self in the rear view mirror. It's terrible isn't it? We can never truly see ourselves and what is going on around us clearly until it's all over with.

     This brings us to the third decade in life; the one I am tackling as we speak. By tackling I mean sometimes it is kicking my butt and other times I have it in a choke hold. This is only my take on it now, as I know from what little experience I have, is that when I look back at this decade from the next one my perception we be entirely different. What I do know about this decade called the twenties is that it is freaking amazing and the most crappy time ever all rolled into one. It is like a fist fight between the first two decades of life and nobody is quite sure who is winning. Does that make sense? Well if you were 25 then you would totally understand.

     You are constantly battling with yourself. The self that is scared and unsure how to grow up and which way to go and how to get there; and the self that wants to grow up and go here or there and sees friends and family going down roads that they want to go down too. This is exacerbated in my own psyche more than most people as it seems that my generation seemed to condense their teens and twenties into a much shorter time than people like me. I can honestly say that I know more people I graduated with who are married and or have kids than those who don't. I haven't decided how I feel about this other than the fact that I am glad I am not one of them. I mean no offense to those who fall into that category because everyone is different, but I cannot image having to deal with all the changes and emotions that have taken place for me in the last six years on top of real adult things like having a family. I guess that is also why I know several people my age who have already gotten divorced and or have kids with multiple people. Okay, I have somehow gotten very off track because this post is nowhere close to what I had intended. Let me regain my thoughts...

     What I meant to say is that when you are in your twenties you spend most of your time wondering if you are where you should be and thinking about how where you are is not where you thought you would be. Thinking that your life isn't moving fast enough and that it is moving to fast at the same time. I can only hope that the third decade is easier. I hope this because for twenty years things are confusing and stupid and unpredictable and I can't possibly imaging doing this for another 10 years. Really, where am I going with this...

     See, this is what happens when you have a lot of energy and listen to your favorite songs and have no clear purpose for your blog post. You get WAY off track several times...

aci's birthday tricycle/mauling of kitties and other miscellaneous things also do not qualify for this post due to the fact they they are terrible pictures. So instead I will put up a couple random plant pictures from September and a picture from a friends wedding in...well I don't actually remember when it was but the photo booth was AMAZING!

 

Pineapple Sage...

Tuberous Begonia

Toad Lily. Okay, so me and my macro setting are still figuring each other out. See, I want it to focus on the thingy in the center and my camera really wanted to focus on the inside of the flower. I have about 10 pictures that are almost exactly the same of me trying to change the focal point with no real success. Moral of the story: these flowers are really cool and they don't look like an amphibian.

Yes, I took a picture of a picture and although the picture was low quality and grainy I love it nonetheless. If there is only one thing me and David have in common it is the fact that we don't really try to get our pictures taken. I am not sure why this is but the reality is that this is one of the only pictures I have of the two of us in the last almost 8 years. Kind of sad isn't it. The problem is that neither of us is photogenic so even if we did take pictures together I wouldn't publish the majority of them anyway. So that is why I like this picture. Also because we really can be ridiculous at times when I am not so consumed with grown up things and he can remind me to just be a kid sometimes and stop worrying so much.

Since this was the most random post ever I am not really sure how to end it, so I will end with the words of another of my many favorite oldies songs. I have also decided to dedicate this post and song to my mom because she is one of the three or so people who read my blog and also because she is probably the best mom anyone could ask for. For all the times when life has kicked my but and threatened to send me over the edge. I can't tell you how much it means to have you there to tell me that everyone is crazy too and it's not just me. Also, for all the times to come because I am sure I have years before I outgrow all of my 'life crisis' situations.

Oh yeah and also because we are so much alike and that is the thing that I am most proud of.

Van Morrison

Days Like This 

When it's not always raining
there'll be days like this
When there's no one complaining
there'll be days like this
Everything falls into place
like the flick of a switch
Well my momma told me
there'll be days like this

When you don't need to worry
there'll be days like this
When no one's in a hurry
there'll be days like this
When you don't get betrayed
by that old Judas kiss
Oh my momma told me
there'll be days like this

When you don't need an answer
there'll be days like this
When you don't meet a chancer
there'll be days like this
When all the parts of the puzzle
start to look like they fit
Then I must remember
there'll be days like this

When everyone is upfront
and they're not playing tricks
When you don't have no freeloaders
out to get their kicks in
When it's nobody's business
the way that you wanna live
I just have to remember
there'll be days like this

When no one steps on my dreams
there'll be days like this
When people understand what I mean
there'll be days like this
When you bring out the changes
of how everything is
Well my momma told me
there'll be days like this

Oh my momma told me
there'll be days like this
Well my momma told me
there'll be days like this
Oh my momma told me
there'll be days like this
Oh my momma told me
there'll be days like this