Well it is the eve of the last day of 2011 and tomorrow will be the very first day of a brand new year. A whole new year. It always gives people the feeling that they have another chance to make things better or be better or do better. Another chance to make things the way they want them to be. I have to admit that I get a little of the new years bug also but I tend to get this affliction randomly throughout the year as well. I looked back at my new years resolution post from a year ago to check out how I had done this year...Let's just say that it's not about keeping score. :)
I still don't finish all my projects because I am always so scattered and unfocused. At any given time I have at least a half dozen projects going at different phases of completion. Projects I am currently working on: a scarf, my fireplace remodel, a bedroom re-arranging, a yard cleanup, I also have green paint in my closet for my room as well as a curtain rod and curtains that have yet to be hung up, a shed that is half primed, lattice for some vines that I have yet to install...and I could probably name at least 8 more things that I have at least purchased the supplies for if not started already.
I also didn't draw any pictures, sit on my porch much or get up early as much as I should have. There are a lot of things that I didn't do that I thought were important a year ago that, somewhere along the way, I decided weren't as important as watching TV, sitting on my couch and sleeping in. So, in honor of the countless resolutions around the world that are unfulfilled, discarded or forgotten I present to you my ONLY new years resolution...
NOT TO MAKE ANY NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS!
It's genius I know. The chances of success are almost guaranteed. I have learned that resolutions are just a way of people giving themselves a timeline to complete certain tasks. I have also learned that putting things on a deadline like that is not a very good way to go about things. The best way to promote change is to do it right now. Not tomorrow, or after the holidays or next year but right now. The time is never going to be right, there will always be pieces missing. If you wait for everything to be just right before you do something you will never get it done at all. If you want to be healthier or read more or try to not let things get to you so much then January 1st is not the time to do it. Right now, which is currently December 31st, is the time to do it. Waiting does not improve the time you have later; it simply squanders the time you have now.
At my ripe old age of 25 I have become quite wise if I do say so myself. Most people turn this age and have a mid mid-life crisis. Good news is that I had mine a year ahead of schedule starting last summer so that this year was actually pretty good. I figured out that if I'm pissed at the world because my house is a mess that it doesn't magically make my house clean...it only makes me miserable AND my house is a mess, which is decidedly worse. I like to talk about philosophical adult feel good inspirational bad ass stuff lately probably because I have my 20's in the choke hold again and under control. Oh and a messy house is very much both literal and figurative.
It reminds me of a book my mom gave me to read a little over a year ago when my mid mid-life crisis was in full swing. Besides all the god speak, which makes me feel a little uncomfortable, it is a good book and I know she will know exactly what I am talking about. Sometimes your house is so cluttered and dirty and unkempt that the only thing you know how to do is lash out at others as you huddle down rocking back and forth in the corner. Fifteen months ago I'm pretty sure I was living in the basement of my very filthy house. I never actually finished the book but I know that I'm not in that dark place anymore. I am a pretty happy person generally speaking but we all have our breaking points and times when we revert to bad behaviors and cry a lot about just about everything.
You see what happens when I start a post without a purpose....again....when you've had caffeine in the afternoon....again....and you're pretty stoked for no particular reason, just about life in general....
Actually I think all this good-moodness is really because my house is really clean. Literally. My dishes are done, floors clean, clothes washed and put away (mostly :). It may not seem like much, but having a clean environment helps clear out the clutter in your brain too...it's proven, trust me.
Just realized that I wrote a lot about pretty much the same things as yesterday (nothing)...and I have no pictures again. Looks like I will have to go find some beauty out in this winter wonderland tomorrow since I really just like taking pictures of inanimate objects.
Well I found a couple old ones that I like. One even has a human subject. :)
This was at Paula's house in Gridley one day when we went for a garden club meeting. It is strange to see how much this little girl has changed in just a matter of months. Okay, so it was taken in April which was a long time ago, but still.
The first and only bulb that I have ever planted in my yard to this day. I only had one because it was one that I had planted at school. School...it makes me terribly sad still to think about school and not being there for the second semester in a row. The saddest thing is that in all the years that I have gone to school I have never made friends or cared if I couldn't go. I spent one semester at Butte in the Horticulture department and I gained an instant family of people who changed me. I still talk to some of my friends on Facebook but I can't help this feeling of despair and being left behind when I think of them too. The older I get the more complicated things get and the harder it is to just do something because you want to. You have too many responsibilities and too many bills and too little time. I wish more than anything that I could have gone back to school in August or even next month in January. For me this is not the time though and it is very hard for me to accept. I honestly can't even go out to Butte or talk about it or even think about it without feeling that unmistakable clenching in my throat and the feeling that your eyes are burning and want to overflow.
Maybe because my lack of friend making skills that I have mentioned before it was strange to have so many friends and then go back to having only one or two. Maybe because I sometimes feel like I missed my chance to have my dream and it's too late to go back now. It's true, I think that it may be too late. Going back in 8 months won't be the same as what it was 8 months ago. All of my friends are far ahead of me and it will be like starting all over again. Maybe I just figured it all out to late. Made my decisions too late. Starting ANOTHER two year degree at 25 only going part time...it almost seems illogical. What would I even do when I was done? Probably stay at the job I already have. I already feel lost and very much not a part of that world that I absolutely loved earlier this year. I can't really explain what I feel I had and lost because it is very strange. It was special, really really special and it meant a lot to me. I was a part of something special.
Well you can tell that I wrote this last and I turned all this positivity into a pretty big Debbie downer didn't I. It's amazing how a picture or song or words can change your mood so quickly. I spend a lot of time purposely not thinking or talking, I mean completely avoiding, the above mentioned topic for this exact reason. It makes me sad and I don't like feeling like that because it doesn't change anything. It only makes me feel bad. I still feel like the rest of my life is going pretty well and I still feel as good as I did when I started this whole thing but now I need to go remember that.
I'm not even going to proofread or spellcheck but here is a pretty picture of my Jasmine. :)
I almost can't wait to smell my Jasmine again come spring. It is the one time during the year without a doubt that I will sit on my front porch. For the month or so that my entire yard smells of the sweetest perfume I can honestly say that it is worth the wait. Until I get a headache from snorting the intoxicating fragrance like a huffing addict, that part is not so cool.
You are the best writer Beth. And although it may feel as if you figured "something" out too late, you still have A BIG life ahead of you. I too feel too much time has passed for starting over to even seem doable and yes, with age comes less spontaneity and risk taking. It just seems to take SO LONG, but fear not my friend.... who knows what tomorrow will bring. Personally I feel we all need a life coach or a helper to push us along in whatever direction we choose. Although it would be so easy if someone were to make successful life decisions for us, unfortunately we have to live and learn. Meanwhile, Ill be submitting your beautiful structured paragraphs and flawlessly sublime sentences to a magazine company... perhaps you'll get a job offer ;)
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I just love you so much- Momma
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